if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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