When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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