the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
