why didn't you poke me back
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize