God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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