I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
