I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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