I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
