my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
