He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
