I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
