Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
