Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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