remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
