what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hippo gnu deer
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize