Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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