Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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