We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
