So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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