I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
