Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
