If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
