She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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