The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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