Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
