the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Pooping to opera.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
