Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
