i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I skipped work to stalk him.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
