omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
