Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
