I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
