After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
