the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
