Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's never too late to be topless.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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