why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Randomize
