when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
