Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
