toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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