Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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