I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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