My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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