I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
