Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
