I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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