I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Someone came in the potted fern
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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