So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
