Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
