i jhust puked up my retainher.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
