I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
