Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We’re leaving where are you
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