Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
