i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
