I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
