someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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