Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize