you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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