this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
